December 22, 2008: Everybody Knows ($5,000 Christmas Buying Spree Edition)

Phil Kabler provides an interesting update on “Manchinfest”:

If Santa Claus brings you $5,000 in cold hard cash Thursday, the Manchin Inaugural Committee has just the thing for you.

The committee is sending out a letter from first lady Gayle Manchin, inviting well-heeled supporters to help sponsor the 2009 inaugural gala, "Celebrating a New West Virginia."

BWAAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That’s. . . (wait for it). . . RICH! I guess that’s what happens when you can’t charge West Virginia’s taxpayers for your celebration’s libations.

Personally, I think it’s rather gauche for the Manchins to seek funds for their party. Are they not wealthy? Aren’t they in power? Oh, wait, that’s why they have the chutzpah to ask their “supporters” for the five grand!

Isn’t it interesting how our society perceives transactions? When someone poor asks for money, we often refer to it as “begging.” But when somebody rich requests money, we call it “seeking sponsorship.” Or phrased in other terms:

Wealthy people asking for money = Merited

Impoverished people asking for money = Unmerited

“Hello, Congress? Our company’s lost billions because our CEO’s squandered our earnings on bad investments and poor products. But we’re a ginormous corporation and we’re just too big too fail. Please, won’t you send us some money so we can continue our production. We promise you we won’t buy too many Lear jets, Steinway pianos, Sony HD televisions and Microsoft Xboxes for our CEOs. Plus, we’ll promise to draw only $250,000 a year until everyone forgets about our mismanagement and then we can hire our chauffeurs and gardeners again.”

Yeah, I know, I know. Even rich folks have their problems. I learned that from The Flintstones episode “Boss for a Day,” where The Great Gazoo allows Fred to experience what it’s like to be Mr. Slate. But I don’t buy it because The Great Gazoo never really wanted Fred to succeed and did everything in his power to discourage his dreams. I think he lusted after Wilma, too.

But I digress. I can think of at least 15 better uses for $5,000:

1. Donate $5,000 to organization/charity devoted to finding cures for cancer, diabetes and other illnesses. That’s a no-brainer, but who said that all rich folks have a brain, right?

2. Give it to a homeless person(s). And before you think “Hey, Donutbuzz, how do you know they won’t spend it on drugs and/or alcohol?” Simple: You spend the money on food and other amenities first, then give it to the person. At our house, we make care packages that we keep in our car and give to folks that we might encounter in the city. And trust me: We’re going to see a lot more of them. A lot more.

3. Neediest cases. Make sure it’s not a fake one.

4. Classic Ms. Pac Man tabletop video game. You can probably score two for $5,000 for your game room.

5. Two words: BLOGGER PARTY! If we figure about 20 regular readers, $5,000 equals $250 per person. That should buy plenty of drinks and snackies of choice for everybody!

6. Let’s see: We have a poor economy. Crime increases when there’s a poor economy. Tasers stop criminals. I’ll take 1,000 shares of Taser International, Inc., please.

7. All-expense paid, three-week family vacation to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina (includes condo rental and three all-you-can eat meals at a “Calabash” restaurant.)

8. Used 1997 BMW 3-Series. But I’d take a ‘96 one, too.

9. Copies of my band’s album on CD/MP3. (Years ago, it would have cost a small fortune to record my band on CD. Now, I think $5,000 would do the trick, and I could give copies to my family and friends, which pretty much works out to everybody who has heard/wants to listen to my “music.”)

10. Establish Fred Glazer Fund. Proceeds devoted to improving libraries across West Virginia and the world.

11. Commission a few hundred “Donutbuzz” t-shirts, mugs, keychains, diapers, diet bars, garden flags and other knick knacks sure to sell in this economy, and then market them to other bloggers to raise proceeds for #10.

12. 8 giant electric menorahs for Hanukkah lawn display. It’ll be a nice attraction for my after-Hanukkah yard sale if #11 doesn’t succeed.

13. New wardrobe. I need some new shirts, sport jackets, and a couple new suits, too.

14. 555 pounds of Jelly Belly™ brand jellybeans. (Bubble gum, cherry, Orange Crush® and root beer flavors).

15. Giant HD plasma television set. What? It’s not like I have eleven other ones.

To all my faithful readers who are still reading me and whom I have not managed to alienate or annoy yet(!), I thank you and wish you a very healthy and happy holiday!

See you next year!